Time To Dream

I had known how it was to dream… and to see my dreams dashed to the ground and trampled on. And so without consciously knowing it, I came to believe maybe I wasn’t worthy to have dreams… Because why was it every time I had a dream, it always  ended up being shattered? Bruised, battered and scarred… I became numb. I was in a denial for such a long time. It was easier to recover from the pain of a broken relationship than from the heartache of a shattered dream. Because admitting that my dreams have come to nothing would mean my life was a failure, that everything I hoped for were all mere illusions.

“I had a dream my life would be… so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.” ~ Les Miserables

If ever there was one good thing I did in my life, that was to hold on to God no matter what life threw at me. I always learn to pick myself up, try to live again, try to take it one day at a time, try to look at the brighter side of life, try to make the best out of my circumstances even if it wasn’t easy. It was damn hard! There’s no denying I was one of those persons who, wherever I went, was accompanied by a dark cloud that poured rain (imagine a cartoon of that), afraid to enjoy and revel in the happy moments handed by life, always knowing and believing some good things never last.

And so I thank God for Makati Feast and Bro. Randy Borromeo! In the first Makati Feast Talk in 2012, Randy spoke about reclaiming dreams and it turned my life around. It made me realize how I was living on auto pilot of gloominess, allowing myself to move with the current, not taking charge of the direction my life would take. I remembered how I removed from my wallet my old, battered Novena to God’s Love where I wrote my poorly articulated dreams which I was supposed to read every day and pray for but never did. There it was in a drawer, gathering dust, I imagine, along with the handwritten, pathetically unfulfilled dreams. Something prompted me to retrieve it a week ago and put it back in my new wallet, just in time for the first Feast of the year.

In many different ways and words, we were told to recapture our dream. “I’ll recapture my dream. I will revisit my vision. I will speak powerful and positive words about my future” will be our mantra for the year. We were asked to remember just four words from the talk and those were I HAVE A DREAM. I felt like the scales of blindness fell from my eyes. God planted those dreams in my heart and He will make sure they will happen. To top it off, two of my most favorite songs were sung in worship, Who Your Are and Through Christ. Nobody can convince me that God wasn’t speaking to me that night.

And I thank the Lord, for being my  Dream-giver, the Source of my Hope, my ever-loving Father.  I am so looking forward to behold before my very eyes my dreams coming to fruition this year. And now I’m singing a different tune:

“When my heart is weak & I’ve lost my way
I will lift up my eyes and choose to say
I will trust in You.

I can do all things through Christ
I can move a mountain if You are the strength of my life
I can do all things through Christ when You are the strength of my life.” ~ Through Christ

“Because of who You are, I can live with hope
Knowing that You’ll always be
God of all my dreams
Everything I want to be is found in You.” ~ Who You Are

Nothing is impossible!

I can feel it in my bones, something good is going to happen to me this very year It’s time for me to dream again!

Instructions for Life by The Dalai Lama

A friend shared this on Facebook and I wanted to post it here to keep a permanent record, so I can go back to it to be reminded…

Wisdom from the Dalai Lama

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:  – Respect for self,  – Respect for others and  – Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

What Makes Me Happy

A friend, knowing the circumstances of my past tumultuous love life, once asked, “What makes you happy?” I only had one answer that didn’t need much thought… my Amara. Just thinking of her makes me happy.

Now that she’s a strong-willed 3-year-old who doesn’t listen to most of what I say, it’s a little hard for me to recall how she makes me happy haha. Looking at this photo reminds me of what a happy baby she was and still is. Her noise and laughter fill our house, aside from the enormous amounts of clutter. Whenever she’s playing, especially when she’s pounding on her mini-piano, while singing her own composed song, or laughing at the antics she sees while watching her dvds, her chuckles and guffaws ring inside the room and seems to let the sunshine in.

Looking back now, it heartens me when I reflect how we made it through our journey as single mom and child. We made it this far, thanks be to God! None the worse for the wear. I won’t fool you… the many big and small problems that come with our circumstances don’t fade away. But knowing that I have this adorable kid relying on me and trusting me completely, loving me no matter what… it makes the struggles, the enormous effort all worthwhile.

I cannot describe how it feels like when I get an unexpected hug from my daughter, except that I think to myself that is how heaven must feel like. I am thankful that I have her to come home to every day, to be my personal pillow when I sleep at night, to wake me up every morning even if I need that extra sleep… Whatever the future has in store for us, no matter the struggle I have to make for me to reach my goals, the presence of this little person will see me through.

Looking Back To Be Able To Move Forward

2011 will go down in my personal history as the year of not too many highs, and more of financial difficulty… my new year resolution of bringing down debt started off with good intentions then wobbled and plunged down the drain.

I feel like I’ve always been a doom and gloom kind of girl, and feel gloomy about it… what can you expect? But I do long to shake off that persona and be the cheerful kind of person I always look at kind of amazed and with a tinge of envy admire. So I look back at the year that was, and tend to remember the lowlights… not being able to pay off debts, in fact, making them fatter, along with my diet, not being able to start on my daughter’s enrollment fund, not being able to shed off pounds, not being able to get a promotion… that’s too many not’s, makes me tired to continue the unfinished list.

And when I try to remember my year’s blessings, I have to rack my brains and search, and search my memory… How about being blessed so much by my community? And having a lot of friends, getting to spend many happy moments with them? I never went hungry, and was actually able to dine in new places, discover new favorites…

The best part, I am convinced, is being able to fulfill my mission for 2011. After trying to clean up both my office and personal emails, I saw many correspondences about my schedule for serving the Lord. And it made me pause for a while to reflect. It is true we go by life so fast we fail to admire the beautiful scenery. I am so thankful for the opportunities to serve, thankful for being able to accomplish what I set out to do, almost without being aware of it.

Yes, I am a work in progress, and would like to improve on the way I see things. Hopefully, I would be able to wipe the grey from my glasses to be able to see the rosy view of the world. Be hopeful, be cheerful, be happy, be free…

Let me welcome the new year with a prayer…
Thank you, Lord, for being the God of second chances…
and thank you for the fresh opportunity to start again.
I can’t remember being so excited at the start of the year …
looking forward to what You have in store for me this year,
and not to forget what I can give.
By fixing my gaze on You, I have found my purpose… finally.

Realiy In The Eyes of a Single Mom

Being a single mom opens your eyes to the harsh realities of life. I’m sure a lot of single moms ended up being one not entirely by choice. Yes, we choose to end an unhealthy relationship, we choose not to be a martyr, we choose to uphold our dignity and self-worth. But we didn’t choose to be part of a broken family. It was never our intention to have fatherless children. And we never planned to be the sole provider and breadwinner in our family. We didn’t choose to have our hearts broken, to experience the pain of unfaithfulness, selfishness or abandonment. We choose to be brave despite the fear eating up our insides, despite not knowing whether we would be able to bring food to the table, provide good education to our kids, or just give them a happy childhood. We are kept awake at night worrying about how we can support ourself financially, much less our kid/s. The peace comes from choosing to allow God’s will be done in our lives and to rely solely on Him. When we chose to be a single parent, it was a lot like jumping off a cliff not knowing where we’ll land.

In our situation, we get to know if our family will stand by us and help us. Want to know who your real friends are? Try being a single mom We get to know who will judge us “disgrasyada” and speak behind our back, or who will love and accept the real us, human beings who are not perfect, whose mistaken choices would have a lasting, visible repercussion. Don’t get me wrong, however. We NEVER consider our children as mistakes. They are the blessing behind the hardship, the cloud in the silver lining. They are the inspiration who make us strive on, no matter how difficult life and the world gets.

I was inspired to write this when I read my friend’s post about the scarcity of gentlemen. A man grabbed the parking space she was patiently waiting for with her baby in the car. In the supermarket, another not so fine example of the species bumped her while she was carrying her son. The man didn’t even bother to lift a finger to help with her shopping bags that fell to the ground because of the collision.

I remember having experienced the kindness of strangers in unexpected situations. There was a time I went to the mall with my daughter who was just a baby then without anyone to accompany me. I took Amara’s stroller and we rode a cab. The dilemma came when we were alighting from the car. I had to carry my baby in one arm and with the other try to bring down the stroller and unfold it… a nearly impossible feat to manage by myself. A couple of men who were smoking just outside the mall entrance hurried to assist me unload the stroller and open it. I felt so thankful, especially since I usually am irritable at smokers spreading their cancerous smog at the non-smokers hehehe.

That was the first time I went to the mall just by myself with my baby. I remember feeling very strange dining at a restaurant as a lone adult, taking care of my months old daughter who’s usually very unruly at the dining table since it holds a lot of items attractive to her curious eyes and which her hands would like to grab and play with. The same dilemma arose on the line to get a cab going home. How would I be able to manage folding up the stroller and lift it to the cab while carrying my daughter? My angels came in the form of the two foreigners just ahead of me in the line. They took care of lifting the stroller inside the cab, which I was able to fold when I placed my daughter briefly on the backseat.

Fresh from the Christmas party of the single parents caring group, the message of our builder Bro. Randy Borromeo comes to mind. It is pure grace that we are able to rise in our situation as solo parents. Indeed. Life is not easy for most of us, solo parent or not. But with the grace of God, we can do it! And get by with a little, or a lot, of help from our friends, family, community and, unexpectedly, strangers.

The Journey To Happiness

For some reason I just feel sad when I shouldn’t.

Today is the best part of the rare long weekend and I had a wonderful bonding moment with my favorite girl. On a day confused if it wanted to rain or not, off we went to the mall to have her enrolled at play school. We than had choco & milk toast and iced tea, then a lot of ice cream that we could handle.

While trying yet failing to finish the ice cream, the thought intruded that it would have been wonderful to have that person missing in this family to have been there to help finish the ice cream. It was truly enjoyable seeing my girl enjoying herself, dancing to the music video inside the ice cream shop where we were the lone occupants. Then that thought had to snatch the completeness of the moment.

And so here I am, moping  and trying but failing to be happy. Siiiigh…

Funny how Facebook seems to be trying to shake me off this melancholic stupor, with these various wall feeds:

• APPRECIATE life itself even if it’s NOT perfect. CONTENTMENT is NOT fulfillment of what you wish for, but an APPRECIATION of what you have.
• “To heal our wounds, we need courage to face them.” ~ Paulo Coelho
• We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

  The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
  Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Alfred D Souza said, “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

  This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time … and remember that time waits for no one…
  So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink, until you’ve sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy…

  Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
  Thought for the day :
  Work like you don’t need money,
  Love like you’ve never been hurt,
  And dance like no one’s watching.

  Author: Crystal Boyd , 1998. From the book: “Midnight Muse.”

Good for me it seems to be working… These social networking sites seem to have a purpose after all, aside from wasting time & exposing all your info. :-) 

Service: Simply A Response

Once you attend the Feast, life will never be the same again.

Last week was Talk 2 of the Extreme Makeover series: Serve. Through the worship songs, prayers and Bro. Randy Borromeo’s talk, our hearts were filled with God’s presence and love. Realizing the many things the Lord has done for us, it created a stirring within us, the desire to give back something in return. The best thing we can give is ourselves – our time, talent and treasure. That is how service begins for spiritual people.

The difference of being spiritual from being religious is that religious people do things out of duty, while spiritual people do things out of love. Religious people attend, spiritual people serve. Service is an act of love and an act of gratitude. The Lord blesses us with gifts which we do not need to work for. To fully enjoy these gifts, it would be best to put them to good use. We are grateful for the opportunity to serve the Lord for not everyone is given this chance.

Our model for service is no less than our blessed mother Mary, who said “I am the Lord’s servant.” Mary doesn’t take the glory;  she points to her son, Jesus. With her example of serving, the three S serve as our guide: Service, Simple and Sacrifice. Service means having a bias for action. We act right away once we see there is a need for volunteers. Simple means starting small. There is no big or small role in ministry. We don’t need elaborate gestures in order to serve. As long as what we do comes from the heart, the Lord sees it and delights in it. Sacrifice means offering something that does not cost us nothing, not necessarily of monetary value.

Sometimes we don’t even want to try because we are afraid we’ll fail. Yes means trust. When we are not able, God is. If we do our best, God will better our best. The story of the wedding at Cana where Jesus turned water into wine (John 2:1-11) was related by Bro. Randy. He related it to some of us who come bearing pails of water. We need the Lord to turn these into wine.

With Sis. Mayi Aguila’s wacky hosting and Bro. Audee Villaraza leading in worship, we joyfully respond to the call to serve, and sang with the vibrant Makati Feast music ministry…

Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay, I’ll stay.
When you move, I’ll move; I will follow you.
Who you love, I’ll love. How you serve I’ll serve.
If this life I lose, I will follow you.
I will follow you.

Advice from Relationship Coach Aileen Santos

Tweaking some minor details, this letter writer could have been me a couple of years ago… I love the advice! Very sensible and near the truth.

The Relationship Coach | Columns | FemaleNetwork.com.

What do you do when the love of your life chooses someone else?

Hi, Ms. Aileen,

I’m in my early 20s and working here in Manila. I just broke up with the love of my life a few months ago; there wasn’t a formal break up, but I knew. He told me he found someone else, a woman that he works with. I was devastated, but I let him go. But deep in my heart and in my soul, I still know I love him.

Are there ways to win him back?

Weng*

*Names and some details have been changed.

Dear Weng:

First of all, I’d like to congratulate you for having the courage to let go of a relationship that ended. I know how hard it is to try to forget someone you love and the dreams you two had about building a future together.

Now, before I answer your question, I’d like to ask you to do two things first: (1) revise your love story, and change your label for him; and (2) decide on what you really want in a relationship. Read on for more on these two tasks.

1. REVISE YOUR LOVE STORY, AND CHANGE YOUR LABEL FOR HIM.

Weng, you need to redefine this relationship as well as what this guy means to you. I strongly advise you to please make this the very last time that you’ll call him “the love of your life” for two important reasons.

The first reason is because it’s obvious from what he did that you are not the love of his life. I’m sorry—I know it hurts to hear this. And I have no doubt that you meant what you said in your letter: in your heart and soul, you do love him. But the fact is, in a relationship that will truly make you happy, he has to love you in the same way too.

And this guy doesn’t.

You wrote it yourself: he chose someone else. So it doesn’t matter if you had the most wonderful relationship with him, or if he was the “perfect match” for you. Your relationship is now over, and he felt this woman is the perfect match for him, so stop giving him a title or label that you should reserve for the guy who will make you the love of his life because that’s the guy who will deserve nothing less.

Here’s another reason you should take this “love of your life” label away from him: It will serve as an unwritten promise in your soul that you will subconsciously feel compelled to keep. Giving him this label in your mind and heart will keep you stuck: you will find yourself inexplicably unhappy in any future love relationship you might have because, after all, this guy that got away is “the love of your life.” In your heart, any other guy won’t be able to live up to him and the relationship you had together.

Please decide to love yourself better than this.

2. DECIDE ON WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THINKING ABOUT “GETTING HIM BACK.”

To answer your question, yes, there are ways to get him back. They take at least three months worth of coaching and committed action to learn and apply, but there are, and they do work.

But the more important question you really need to ask yourself is this: Do you really want to?

He’s already proven that he can be unfaithful, and he has already chosen someone else over you.

Would you really want to spend your life with a guy like that, someone who has the capacity to wound your heart in this way? Is that what you really dream of for yourself—one of your highest goals for a love that lasts for a lifetime?

Please really do think about this, Weng.

This doesn’t mean that your entire relationship was a waste of time, though, or even a mistake. And this doesn’t mean that he never loved you during the time you were together.

This does mean that you are worthy of love (because he loved you during the time you were together), and that if this guy can find you attractive, then it most certainly means there will still be a number of men out there who will also find you attractive and fall in love with you too.

I know how hard it is to believe this right now, how scary it feels to start believing that you could be loved like that—again—by someone else. But all around you, you’ll find evidence that this does happen, and the sooner you let go of this past relationship, the sooner you can heal and make yourself ready for the next loving relationship that comes along.

Good luck!

Aileen