I strive to be many things despite feeling like a failure. A few years ago, when I was newly transferred to the position I am currently in, I felt trapped. There were only two of us reporting to our superior. I was the only female in a group of three.
The way I went about life, I have never made an effort to ingratiate myself to anyone. I never had and never will strive to market myself, especially to my bosses because I believed that if they were astute enough then, through observation, they will know how good I am at my job. I never accounted for the fact that my only group mate is one of the many people who is striving for a promotion or upgrade. And he was good at marketing himself, never shy to toot his own horn. He was so good at it that there wasn’t any sympathetic ear I can pour my troubles to. Thus, I was overshadowed.
I hated it that, being both males, it was obvious the two others in my group shared an affinity that may not only be gender-related but also personal. Since I was this person who wasn’t trying very hard to be close to my superior, it somehow helped the two of them to be closer. This is one facet of being Filipino that I hate – the need for “pakikisama.” The other thing I hate with a passion is competition. I would rather give way than to vie.
Why can’t a person be recognized just for one’s raw abilities and contribution to the job without emotional or personal attachments clouding others’ judgment? Rhetorical question. It didn’t help that after I was placed in this group, I got sick a lot, resulting to frequent absences and tardiness that obviously didn’t help my case any.
Comparing the weight of responsibilities assigned to us, it was evident to me that I was underestimated. My true worth and potential were not recognized. The efforts I were belatedly making to be appreciated were simply too late. Impressions have set in. The options left to me were to just swallow it and accept things as they are or to apply elsewhere. Being the unadventurous type, I chose to forbore.
Fast forward to now. All of a sudden, at the start of this year, my superior wanted change. We have come to an understanding of each other gradually over the years. He now wants to give me an opportunity to grow, hence, an increase in my workload and responsibilities.
At any other time I would have welcomed this challenge without any misgivings. It had to happen at this time when my head is spinning at planning my only child’s first birthday celebration as a single-parent-trying-to-get-along-with-her-ex.
I had already laid the groundwork for Amara’s party when ex suddenly came to a sort of conversion from a neglectful-father-pretending-to-care to a striving-to-be-more-caring-father. That I doubt the sincerity and permanence of this is beside the point. So the plans are going haywire, what with changing some activities, finalizing the guest list and fitting everything within budget.
Mind you, I haven’t yet hurdled the challenge at work with success. It’s just opportunities are not always present. And this is one chance I don’t want to go to waste. I am grabbing it with both hands, with the full knowledge that I may be left a frazzled version of my former self.
Anyhow, let this be a reminder to everyone that prayers are answered, some wishes are to be granted when it is least expected, at God’s perfect time. Sometimes, the laugh is on us.