A Night of Troubled Thoughts

Last night, I had an unexpected bout of crying. I didn’t expect it and couldn’t help it. I was in the penultimate stage of grief which was depression. The complete stages are DABDA – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

 

The trigger for this crying fit was seeing the lying face of a person, actually before seeing, hearing his lying voice on the phone. I’m still not over the extent of his deceitfulness. He continues to spawn one lie after the other effortlessly, underestimating me and taking me for a fool who’d believe his untruths. Well, he couldn’t go inside my house, his conscience wouldn’t let him, whatever was left of it. Which just proved how false the fatherhood role he has taken on is. He just assumes the role of a father to avoid people seeing him for what he truly is, and this time I had to remind him of his fatherly duties that conveniently slipped his mind. 

This, on top of things in other aspects of my life, propelled me into a self-pity party. I was faced with how seemingly piteous my situation was as a single mom, as a stagnant worker, as not being well-off to be unable to get my own place or make repairs to our home, and other things. I indulged myself in this futile exercise and woke up with a resolve to get over it, for goodness’ sake. It was very helpful and, I think, provident, when I read the readings and reflections I make a point to have daily, if possible, first thing in the morning…

 

“A sad thing is that we are surrounded by untruthfulness — in the media, among politicians, between friends and even in ourselves. There are so many reasons for lack of truthfulness in daily life. But Jesus tells us today that through the truth we grow in freedom from sin. Sin is caused by the devil who is called the “father of lies.” Have you realized that a lie often leads to another lie until in the end we don’t know clearly what we have said in the beginning? Lies make us slaves of the web we have spun. Yes, we can only thank Jesus for reminding us today that through the truth we grow in freedom from sin. The more we allow the words of Jesus to penetrate our hearts, the freer we become and the Holy Spirit, who is the Spirit of truth, will dwell in us. Fr. Rudy Horst, SVD” (from Sabbath)

 

Yes, lies abound, but I must use my armor of faith and combat it with the Truth himself, my Lord Jesus Christ, who is the Way, the Truth and the Life. I am ashamed in my lack of faith. But I cling on to God and ask everyday for more faith. Persistence is the key. I can wallow day after day, but I shouldn’t forget my God is there to deliver me from this darkness.

 

Today’s Reflections:

Nebuchadnezzar is amazed that the three men have survived being thrown into the fire. I think I would have been amazed, too! One of the things we can learn from this story is that if we place our trust in God we will be vindicated. Sometimes, just to prove His power and to assure us that He is aware of our situation, God chooses to intervene in the affairs of the world and demonstrate His care and love. (from Companion)

 

I attended the first Wednesday mass in the office even if I was tempted to forego it. I will attend the Lenten recollection tomorrow. Yes, I will cling to my God and place my hope in Him. And, hopefully, soon, I will come to my senses and open my eyes to the beauty of my life, to the beauty that is everywhere surrounding me. I await my time of vindication and know that it is near. I put everything in God’s hands and He will take care of my needs, bring justice and take care of my oppressors.

 

Every time a man finds that his heart is troubled, that he is not rejoicing in God, a resurrection must follow; a resurrection out of the night of troubled thought into the gladness of the truth. ~ George MacDonald

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